Music to my Hears on Wednesday June 15, 2011

She's still breathing. Her every breath is like music to my ears. Its very comforting lying here next to her in peace and quiet. I look at her sometimes. Her little nose and eyes. Her heart beating, chest moving up and down. If only you could see the innocence; a pink night down and baby fingers on her chest. Last night dad, astonishingly recalled the extent to which an older person goes back to his old ways like child; kicking and screaming in frustration. This is my mother today. She is indeed suffering and frustrated. She doesn't know how to express herself except through kicking and shouting.

"I want to die" she screamed. "I can't eat or drink or sleep" she cried out.  "I did and said everything God...I just want to die."

Its painful to watch. Painful to hear. I wish I could just tell her the truth. I wish I could say "mum you will die, any day now the doctor said so" But no! Thats not how things work around here. False hope is a family trait. As a Christian, we can't/shouldn't call it 'false hope' because God is indeed a Miracle Maker. But surely God understands that what the flesh sees, hears and touches over sides the unseen.

Why can't we just tell her the truth. She was diagnosed with brain cancer 6 months ago. Three tumors. Death predicted a month ago. Yet we still acted as if or faked it to make it. Filling her mind with dreams and hopes for a brighter earthly future: the beach, waves and birds in the sky. I came to believe it myself. I even made plans to move back to Egypt permanently. But now....we wait...