A Family of Independence

As episodes of mother's life flashed through my mind, a sense of regret for lost time crept over me. Our favorite pass times were sipping drinks at Mother's summer home in Sokhna and working out in the gym. When was the last time we ever did those things I wondered? Painful to remember, I realized it was the summer of 2009. Two years ago. Had I missed out on Mother's companionship?

I lived away from home for the past 6 years. I would usually come home for Christmas and in the summer. Two-weeks into the "holiday" left me longing for my other life. Cairo, was always a transit stop. But mother, never understood. She often pleaded with me to stay a little longer or to move back "home". But, from my perspective, this was not a negotiation. I knew that Mum's happiness could not depend on any one person. Happiness is a man-made virtue. Mum needed to fill the void in her life with something other than her family.   

Mother's expectations were shattered when I decided to move to Vancouver. Half a world a way. Every phone call felt like a snake bite. She missed me dearly. I did too but in a different way. I missed her like a friend, someone you visit for a couple of weeks. She missed me like a 2 year old daughter, someone you hold and never let go. But mother was never dependent. She was quite the opposite when I was growing up. Free as a bird. Throughout my childhood, family time was an unspoken luxury. Why should things change now? Did that wretched disease increase her dependency on us because she can't play tennis anymore or float around like a butterfly from shop to stop?  She was my teacher in independence, my father too. I'm sorry Mother that I wasn't prepared to unlearn the lessons of my childhood. 

Holding onto the past with my hands and teeth. I wonder what that means for the future of my family.