I wish I knew what you were thinking Mother. Your ability to lie awake in bed with her arms and legs flapped haphazardly to the left and right, starring into nothingness without uttering a word, all day and night long, is beyond my limited understanding. Oh how I wish I could get into your head. I opened my heart and lips in an attempt to identify her emotions.
Choking on tears, I spoke the truth and explained "you're going to a better place now". I'm the second and last person after dad to address Mother truthfully. She shook her head when I asked if she was afraid but nodded when I asked if she was sad. I continued exploring the continuum of emotions she may be experiencing, is she angry? disappointed? guilty? hurt? But, mum quickly lost patience. We only speak in terms of happy or sad in this household which exemplifies the task identifying the most appropriate antidote to give against the poisonous emotion. Is our limited understanding of emotions a cultural, family or individual problem I wondered?
My exploratory study continues. Rather than formulating appropriate yes or no questions, I second guessed the reasons behind Mum's sadness and I said;
"I know you're going to miss us mum. We're going to miss you too. Rest assured that you have a place reserved in all our hearts. Trust that no matter where you go, you will be able to see us (not entirely sure if that was a convincing argument). You were an amazing Mother and woman. You've been through a lot of rough times. The sacrifices made for Carol and I will never be forgotten. We learnt so much from your strength, perseverance and sense of humor. God loves you just like he loved Jesus, His one and only Son. I can't imagine how you feel Mother, but Jesus can. He experienced agonizing pain and suffering before God resurrected him on the third day and just like we prayed for your life, Jesus pleaded with God and said "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." [Luke 22:42] So don't fall into the same trap I fell into and be angry at God. He loves you."
With tears free flowing down my face...I paused and wondered...could she be sad because of all those years I was away from here? Or maybe she's worried about what the future holds for Dad, Carol and I....
Choking on tears, I spoke the truth and explained "you're going to a better place now". I'm the second and last person after dad to address Mother truthfully. She shook her head when I asked if she was afraid but nodded when I asked if she was sad. I continued exploring the continuum of emotions she may be experiencing, is she angry? disappointed? guilty? hurt? But, mum quickly lost patience. We only speak in terms of happy or sad in this household which exemplifies the task identifying the most appropriate antidote to give against the poisonous emotion. Is our limited understanding of emotions a cultural, family or individual problem I wondered?
My exploratory study continues. Rather than formulating appropriate yes or no questions, I second guessed the reasons behind Mum's sadness and I said;
"I know you're going to miss us mum. We're going to miss you too. Rest assured that you have a place reserved in all our hearts. Trust that no matter where you go, you will be able to see us (not entirely sure if that was a convincing argument). You were an amazing Mother and woman. You've been through a lot of rough times. The sacrifices made for Carol and I will never be forgotten. We learnt so much from your strength, perseverance and sense of humor. God loves you just like he loved Jesus, His one and only Son. I can't imagine how you feel Mother, but Jesus can. He experienced agonizing pain and suffering before God resurrected him on the third day and just like we prayed for your life, Jesus pleaded with God and said "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." [Luke 22:42] So don't fall into the same trap I fell into and be angry at God. He loves you."
With tears free flowing down my face...I paused and wondered...could she be sad because of all those years I was away from here? Or maybe she's worried about what the future holds for Dad, Carol and I....
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