Tick-Tock; M.O.T.H.E.R

On a good day, when my spirits are high, mind is clear and heart is calm, my mind clock's hands travel smoothly because I am in the driver's seat. I educate my desires and emotions to understand that, even though I can't see, touch or hear her, her soul is present and attentive to everything I do and say. On a good day, my rational mind can tame my desire and emotion. But, I'll have you know this only happens following an episode of picture flipping and tear-filled longing. A very short episode. 

I wouldn't know what happens on a bad day. I haven't had one of those yet. I can only imagine the thoughts and feelings that others might experience. My Grandma is probably the worst off. She stays home most of the time refusing to do anything; read a book, watch TV or go out. Dressed in black she sits in the same corner of the couch all day long waiting for time to pass. The internal dialogue she may be having could be along the lines of; Why didn't it happen to me instead of you? I'm old. I've lived my life, but you didn't. You were so young and beautiful. You wanted to be with your kids. They need you on their wedding day and even more on the day they give birth. Writing this imaginary dialogue makes me sick to my stomach. But it has helped me understand how Grandma must be feeling. Regret, disappointment, sadness and guilt are the oscillating emotions inside her clock's mind. I wonder if a positive emotion ever springs up. Something that signals time to take action. Grandma is not in the driver's seat. The emotional lion and desirous monster are clearly doing the driving. And poor grandma is a bystander. 

That's why I'm here today. I stayed the night following a lunch date that Grandma resisted at first but must have heard Mother's voice somewhere that told her to go out with the rest of us. My aunts, uncle, grandparents, father and sister all sat round a rectangular table. Things went well, but I have no doubt in my mind that Mother's bodily absence crossed our minds at least once. I filled mum's shoes, cracking absurd jokes, being brutally honest and actually investing energy to gather people. Something only my Mother would have done. Next friday another lunch date. And the friday after that. I suppose its our way of commemorating her. I thought of taking a picture of her and placing it on the table. But my sister and aunt faced that thought with resistance. 

What do you think? Is it weird for someone who has suffered a loss to bring a picture of the person, place it on the table and talk to it every once awhile? Would you feel awkward if your friend was that weird person? What about the family of the loved one? Would you talk to the picture in public? Or do you have too much pride to think and act in a child-like manner?

I am a child. Life's more fun that way.