Mind Clock Ticks M.O.T.H.E.R

Saturday morning, like every other saturday,  I woke up, lied in bed and listened to the hands of the clock go tick tock while I reflected upon the week; who I am, what I've done, who I want to be and what to do to get there. I made a commitment to this self-improvement process a few years ago with help of a journal. It's a grueling task that requires  not only the willingness to unwind the knob that seals a wheel of rotating thoughts inside the mind-clock but also the courage to explore and sometimes fix the inside mechanisms. I borrowed the technique from my glorious mother. She would spend hours lying in bed staring into space, with classical music playing in the background. Aren't you bored I used to ask? Utterly confused at how she bared to sit still while the ticking clock took away treasured minutes out of her life. I was very good at running away from my thoughts. I kept busy doing meaningless acts. But, I think I'm all grown up now Mother. Because I've learnt from your courage to sit with my thoughts in silence and solitude. Without fearing the passage of time. 

Smoke-like thoughts preceded images before mother passed away. But for the past fifteen days, Mother's face is the first image I see supplemented with a gentle reminder that she is bodily absent. Longing to be with a soul feels different than longing to be reunited with a far-away loved-one. Missing a loved one is easily reasoned. When I have enough money, get my work holiday or finish this semester. But, missing a soul requires renewed learning. When I have enough time, I will sit and imagine where we are. When I have enough words in my vocabulary I will describe what I see. When I have enough colors and skill, I will paint a picture. Mother, for you, I will learn how to write, paint and meditate so I can see you clearly.

The worst time of the day must be the few minutes before falling asleep at the end of a long day. On most days, I opt to breathe my self to sleep rather than freeze my thoughts and feelings in a a box of popcorn and TV. Those longing-filled moments are uncomfortable at first but for an all day long busy bubbling bee, thats only natural to feel, when everything is switched off, except the unsurprising sound of tick-tock on a clock. Don't be at all surprised at the before bed time discomfort. It's only natural. Normal. And Non-avoidable.