Exactly 68 days ago her body perished and the particles inside her head that may have represented her soul in one way or another disintegrated, vibrated and vanished beyond sight, smell and touch.
“This is easy!” I thought to myself almost everyday for the past month.
“Life goes on. I don’t even think about her anymore” he arrogant thoughts continued.
Surely, she crosses my mind every now and then, but much like a cough or a sneeze, I don’t hold on to it. I let it go. I dust off the thoughts on my shoulders and they go away.
But today is different and this is why I am wearing a dress that belongs to her. The same yellow, blue, white and gold flower patterned dress that I courageously wore to her funeral exactly 68 days ago. This is why I will pack her rarely worn one-piece swim suits (although last time I remember wearing a one-piece, was probably was probably 14 years ago) with me on the 5-day-on-the-boat-diving-trip that my dad, sister and I are embarking on today.
In the shower as I crouch down on my knees under the shower head’s waterfall, I let the tears flow as thoughts of her last days come rushing back like a wave that thrusts you over a cliff.
Looking back at those last thirteen days, when her swollen liver blew up her stomach to the size of 3 watermelons barely uttering a word to anyone, its hard to imagine that we were all pacing around her death bed, sitting by her side waiting to the day to see her off to the coffin.
Reminds me of the image of a mother wavering her handkerchief ferociously at her daughter, the new bride, as she sees her off to a handsome groom. Mother waved her hand at me numerous of times as I packed my bags and left to Montreal, London, and Vancouver. I liked to believe that those were tears of joy rushing down her face but in my heart, knew the truth. We just wanted different things in life.
Seeing off a Mother, daughter, sister or even wife to her coffin is an experience I would never want to wish upon anyone. Those seeking to comfort themselves may claim that we are seeing her off to Heaven, saints x, y and z, Jesus’ arms, or God. I am not about to make up a story to make myself feel better. I can face the truth and the truth is that I have no idea whether a soul exists and if it is does I have no idea where it goes after death. But one thing I am sure of, is that Mother is not longer physically suffering. But assuming there is a soul somewhere floating around, I am convinced that she is mentally suffering just like all her loved ones on earth are. But this image of her flying around in heaven with angels and saints smiling down on us, is something I cannot accept because I know the truth.
On her last days, when the room was finally empty, I sat by her side and bravely asked her the questions no one else would dare. Are you afraid? Are you going to miss? Are you disappointed at God? Did you ever think this would happen? Are you looking forward to the next chapter? I could only ask her yes or no questions because she could only nod yes or no.
The truth is that she didn’t want to leave. She was very upset. She couldn’t believe that God was letting her down. She couldn’t believe that God was letting her sister down, the one who prayed endlessly and travelled from priest to priest in search of hope. And for the last 48 hours of Mother’s life, only one person’s name was on my her lips, it wasn’t Jesus or God, nor was it Carol or Sandra, simply her sister’s name Suzy, the one who gave her hope and confidence that her life would not end. I’m glad that I never gave Mother false hope. I’m glad that I had the courage to speak the truth.
As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I am not dead. Far from that, with small hands rolled into fists, teeth clenched and a roar, I welcome death and smell it at every corner. Thanks to that dreaded experience, I welcome death my enemy and friend. In fact I strongly desire to experience its nearness because I know that can defeat it, without reliance on God, Jesus or anyone else. The power to triumph without false hope is what I learnt from the dreaded experience. And if I don’t defeat it so what? What’s the worst that can happen after seeing off your mum to her coffin? Trust me there is nothing worse and if there is, I will let you know.
Dearest Mother, thank you for making me braver than I ever was.
Dear Sandra
ReplyDeleteI love reading your posts, as they express how vulnerable you are, how sweet and loving person you are.
I wish this diving trip would really make a great difference into your spirit.
I suggest something I do that really works. Just take a long dive to the deep end and burry there your sad feelings...talk to the fish they keep secrets...leave your worries and exhausted feelings and jump up to the surface with a great nourishing breath seeing the light of the sun and enjoying the feeling of spirit renewal... Imagine yourself in a cartoon movie and you are the main character...enjoy the magic of the cold peaceful water when it touches your body to relief you of every pain.
Back to reality and TRUTH (as you mentioned above)
Can you permit me to re-quote what you said in another truthful way:
Seeing off a Mother, daughter, sister or even wife to her coffin is an experience I would never want to wish upon anyone, because the feelings of missing someone dear is the only challenge.
Those who are sure of the only one truth can easily comfort themselves by seeing her off to Heaven, into the arms of our dear Lord Jesus; the Creator and Savior of this world. Joining saints personally known by name as there is a long friendship that still goes on forever.
I can face the truth and the truth is her soul exists and she is no longer physically suffering. But praying for all her beloved ones on earth to know the truth and never walk away from it, she prays that Satan stops fighting her children by planting gullibility in their hearts and mind and falsely mislead them to a BIG lie called the "Truth", this is exactly what he did to Jesus during the trials on the mountain. He kept pushing him to doubt only one thing "IF YOU ARE THE SON OF GOD" before presenting him any temptation. But because he is the SON OF GOD, he defeated him...
Let go ya Sandra on the this lie... leave your heart believe that there is a heaven where God gives visas to some people easily and have them quickly and others seem that their papers are incomplete and have to go around search for agents who could help them finish up his papers to be able to take the visa and enjoy the flight to heaven…there …where there are no tears mixed with the shower waters…there is no pain...
I guess if the lie you believed gave you this much sorrow and pain, why not for a break believe (temporarily) in the Real TRUTH and see if it is capable of setting you free or not…what else would you lose (as you said) it couldn't get worse, so why not give it a try..
Death is not a bad thing ya Sandra, it is the immigration counter that permits you to the great land of happiness... don't be afraid to believe in it, hence you will understand why God did not answer Suzy's prayers, because he wanted mum to enjoy a better life..
Your mum did not end...She is alive...looking down at you…sending you love and TRUE messages, just give yourself a chance to listen to her… She is still your mum and she will always guide you through your life…that's her mission.
Regards
Sherry
to Sherry , i tell her ( Yesslam boek ya Sherry ) . Please keep on trying . and God will prove his point sometime !!!!!!!.
ReplyDeletewe werent sitting by her side waiting to the day to see her off to the coffin. we were waiting for the day to see her get better (thats what i was hopeing)
ReplyDeleteWhen i said "we" i was speaking on behalf those who were not carrying false hope and accepted to let go of a being that is seriously suffering.
ReplyDelete